It has come to my attention that you want my money and you would like me to send some of it your way, ostensibly for the purposes of doing the Lord’s Work.
Fine, fine.
I don’t tithe at a church. This is because I don’t go to a church. This is because I am filled with dismay at the entire church business, culture, and process. But this is not about that. The point is, I’ve got 10% of my income which is to be put to work, somewhere on this planet, either directly spreading the gospel or doing humanitarian work in His name. To my continual amazement, it is incredibly hard to find someone worthy of this money.
I have a “black list” of charities which I will never entrust with money. That list gets longer all the time. Here is how to get on the list:
1) Send out fancy mailings.
I just sent you (say) a hundred bucks last month, and you pissed away five of it mailing me back some envelope stuffed with expensive paper and full-color glossy photographs. You’re showing me fancy pictures and bragging about all you’re accomplishing with The Money. Except, now I see that an outrageous portion of it is being wasted on marketing.
If you need to share the joy, save some money and put that stuff on the web. If I care about what happens to The Money, then I’ll check the site.
If you need to reach people who aren’t into this whole “internet thing”, then it should be opt IN.
But deliberately spending money sending out color brochures is a grotesque misuse of The Money. Be faithful with what you’ve been given, and more will be given to you. If not, then even what you have will be taken away.
2) Call me at home
Do not do this, you beggars and whores. Aside from being incredibly rude to disturb a dozen people in search of the one you can guilt into giving you even more money, you should avoid this practice because this is how liars, cheaters, and low-lifes do business. Tele-marketing (and do not lie and pretend that’s not what you’re doing with unsolicited phone calls) is a hated practice and Christians should stay away from it for that reason alone. Not every person who picks up the phone will be a Christian. Some will be spouses or friends or relatives of the people who you’re calling.
Try to imagine Jesus doing this, telling his disciples to go out and annoy people into giving to His ministry. Ludicrous.
3) Put a picture of your president on your materials
Actually, a bit of this isn’t bad. It’s good to have a name and a face to hold accountable. But when month after month is a mailing with the grinning mug of PASTOR BOB Q. CLODPOLE and a personal message from PASTOR BOB Q. CLODPOLE and a vision statement about what PASTOR BOB Q. CLODPOLE wants to accomplish in the future, then I feel no need to send to any money. Because you have already been paid.
4) Send out DVDs
Great. Yeah. Hire a professional to design a multimedia presentation, make some artwork, put it on a disc, burn ten thousand copies, and mail them out to everyone who have ever given you money.
I know why you do this. You do this because it maximizes revenue. Lots of people will give. The problem is, you have not been tasked with maximizing revenue. Your job is to do what you can, with what you get. If you want money so bad then just abandon this charity stuff and go into business.
Oh. I see. That’s what you’re doing.
5) Ask for money in public
The televangelist way: Tell people about Jesus, then put your hand out.
You should never, ever ask a non-believer for anything. You should not do anything to impose, guilt, or offend them in any way. If you need money, come to your fellow believers. If you can’t get us to pony up, then maybe there’s something wrong with your ministry.
Jesus never went broke and was unable to continue his ministry. Yet there is no record of Jesus and His followers begging for cash or stopping to work for it. If you’re doing His work, the money will come. Spread your message through the churches and through the internet, and fire your marketing department. Come on guys. This is basic-level stuff, the ABC’s of the Christian life.
For the record, Adventures in Missions has never done wrong by my account. I’m always looking out for other good organizations, but so many are just top-heavy donation mills, where there are ten men to claim credit for every deed done by a single missionary.
Alas.
